Surveys
by Royal Typewriter
Summary: Exactly that--Sweeney Todd characters fill out those Myspace surveys. Just for fun, you know? New Lucy chapter!
1. Sweeney Todd

Do you think you're wasting your time on the person you like

**So last night while watching Sweeney Todd, my mom jokingly mentioned something about them all being on Myspace. Which gave me the random idea to write this. It's just for fun, seriously. **

**Part I: Sweeney Todd.**

**Do you think you're wasting your time on the person you like?  
**Seeing how she took arsenic and _died_ without having the courtesy to call first…

**Can you fill this out without lying?**  
If I feel like lying, I will, and you'll deal with it.

**What was the last thing someone bought for you?**  
Judge Turpin bought me a trip to Australia. Does that count?

**What's the last thing you put in your mouth?  
**Some blood got in there a bit ago.

**Have you ever kissed anyone named Timothy?  
**_What?_

**Last people you rode in a car with under the age of 21?**  
You know, I really tend to avoid cars. It's much more effective to skulk about menacingly and sing to people on the street.

**Name someone that made you laugh today?**  
When Mrs. Lovett asked if her dress made her look fat. I mean, really…why would she even have to ask?

**How late did you stay up last night and why?**  
I tend to stay up all night…and all day. Because I'm consumed with thoughts of revenge.

**Ever been kissed under fireworks?**  
What are fireworks?

**Which of your friends lives closest to you?**  
I don't believe in friends. The closest thing I've got to that is that Mrs. Lovett lives in the bakehouse below my room.

**Do you believe ex's can be friends?**  
This is the Victorian era, buddy. Ex's get conveniently run down by carriages.

**When was the last time you cried?**  
I don't have tear ducts.

**Where is your biological father right now?**  
Well, seeing how no one nowadays lives very far past age 40…

**When is your birthday?**  
Why do you care? It's not like anyone buys me presents.

**Was yesterday better than today?**  
No day is a good day. The only good day is a day when you're dead. Am I dead? No. So was today a good day? No.

**What are you listening to?**  
Madonna.

**Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?**  
No, because if you get anyone hot you get sent off to a penal colony and they merrily ditch you before you get back.

**What are you wearing?**  
I never change my clothes.

**Where do you wish you were right now?**  
Not in the Great Barrier Reef, I'll tell you that.

**Is anything bothering you right now?**  
Oh, hell. You couldn't guess that from the last fifty questions you asked me?

**What items could you not go without during the day?**  
These razors right here. I'm typing with them, it's great.

**How do you feel about your life right now?**  
Do I need to spell it out for you? Life _sucks_.

**Do you hate anyone and why?**  
I hate everyone. No reason, really.

**Have you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend cry?**  
I made Lucy cry by getting bashed over the head by that cop's nightstick.

**Have you ever been cheated on?**  
Does it count if she was all high on apple cider at Turpin's place?

**Have you ever had your heart broken?**  
There's a giant hole in my chest where most people have their heart. So no.

**If you could go back in time and change things, would you?**

Well if that's not the most pointless question I've ever heard…

**Do you believe that you are a good girlfriend or boyfriend?**  
I'm a wonderful girlfriend. (rolls eyes)

**Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?**

No, we all deserve to die. Even you, survey-writer!

**Do you believe in love at first sight?**  
Well, considering the only reason I liked Lucy was because she was hot and blonde…

**Ever want to get married?**

Perish the thought! The only single female around here is Mrs. Lovett, and I'd eat glass before doing _that_!

**Do you like anyone now?**  
I told you. _I don't like anyone._

**Who was your first love?**  
You mean Lucy, Lucy, or Lucy? Do you get that I only ever dated one person?

**When did you last kiss someone?**  
(sigh)

**Who did you kiss?**  
Beadle Bamford, who do you think?

**What school do you attend?**  
I went to beauty school for like a year.

**You like your phone?**  
What's a phone?

**What is your favorite number color and animal?**  
13. Black. Crow.

**What is your MSN name?**  
demonbarber13. Hit me up.

**Plans this week?**  
Lure people up to my shop, cut 'em up, make meat pies…you know, I do what I can.

**Your mood?**  
Same as ever. Blank.

**What is your mobile number?**  
Mobile what?

**You own an iPod?**

Where else would I keep my soundtrack?

**What did you do today?**  
Pretty much what I usually do. Stare into space angrily, stomp around, and then take care of business.

**Missing someone?**  
Even if I was…

**You regret anything that has happened in the past week?**  
I have practically no moral standing as of now. So no.

**What's the greatest thing that happened to you today?**  
I sliced this guy's entire head off in one go.

**How many TRUE friends do you have that you can tell anything to?**  
I never say anything. Anything. I really do just sit there.

**Would you rather get up early or sleep in?**  
I told you, I don't sleep. I'm nocturnal…and dayturnal.

**Tell me about the shirt you're wearing?**  
Well, it was white before I got all the blood on it. Which reminds me. I need to buy some more Shout.

**Last hair cut?**  
Ironically, I'm a barber but I don't get haircuts.

**Would you rather be mad or sad?**  
I'm always mad. I find it more intimidating. Do you think anyone here would take me as seriously if I went around crying and sharing feelings?

**Does the thought of marriage scare you?**  
Well, now that I associate it with Mrs. Lovett…

**Who was the last person in your bedroom besides family?**  
I didn't catch his name before I kicked him down the chute.

**Do you get bored easily?**  
Of course not. Being absolutely insane takes all day.

**What's something that someone can do that really bothers you?**  
Send someone to jail on false charges. Kind of rude, if you ask me.

**Do you wish you were famous?**  
I've got a Broadway play and a movie named after me. What more could I ask for? Bobbleheads?

**When you go to the beach do you swim or lay out more?**  
Last time I was at the beach was during that bloody By the Sea song, during which I just sat there waiting for it to be over.

**Can music affect your mood?**  
Oh, definitely. Start singing Pretty Women and I'll go from passive-angry to murderous-angry.

**Do you pray at night?**  
Thanks for the laugh.

**Is someone missing you?**  
Ugh. The only one who openly ever misses me is guess-who down there.

**Did you enjoy this survey?  
**It took a lot of time out of my usual revenge-plotting. I hope you know if you were here in person, I'd have killed you by now.

**Like I said, just for fun. :) **


	2. Mrs Lovett

Do you flip your pillow to the cold side

**Part II: Mrs. Lovett**

**Do you flip your pillow to the cold side?**  
Why on earth would I need it to be any colder than it already is? For crying out loud, it's midwinter in London.

**Do you like to hold, or be held?**  
I'm not really very choosy about details like that… (wink)

**Do you want a big or small wedding?**  
A huge wedding, by the sea…oh, man. I'd totally wear a dress as long as the English Channel, and the flowers would be the exact shade of teal as the water, and we'd have a limbo pole…and don't even get me started on the wedding _night_.

**Are you trusting of new people?**  
Well, let's see. A random lunatic came into my shop and I offered him a room right away. Then I adopted some kid straight off the street. Yeah, you could say I'm more trusting than your average desperate woman.

**What is the most money you would spend on a pair of shoes?**  
I don't need any new shoes, I've got my creepy pointed boots. Those don't ever wear out. Ever.

**Do you have more friends or more acquaintances?**  
I consider everyone my friend. Even that priest. And that poet. And that grocer. They should come over for dinner.

**Would you rather help someone out or be helped out?  
**You get that I'm usually the one who helps people out, right? So I don't even get why Mr. Todd bosses me around like he does, seeing how it's _my_ house and all…but wow, is he gorgeous when he does it. What were we talking about?

**If you found out you couldn't have kids, would you adopt?**  
That's what Toby's here for. Granted, the only reason I can't _have_ kids is because I haven't gotten any since the Stone Age..

**What woke you up this morning?**  
The sound of some weirdo on the street singing 'Johanna! Johanna!' over and over at the top of his lungs. Seriously. Some people need lives.

**Where are you?  
**In the bedroom that I sleep in alone…every night…throughout the roughest-sounding thunderstorms and everything…

**How was your weekend?**  
Same as usual, I suppose. Saturday rush and all that.

**When was the last time you cried?**  
I cry alone every night under my holey blanket. Can you believe that?

**What is a recent compliment you've been given?**  
"Nothing's gonna harm you, not while I'm around."

Now, isn't that just the sweetest thing you've ever heard? Probably not, because some people are lucky enough to get comments on their _looks_ once in awhile…but hey, we can't _all _be blonde…

**What is on your mind RIGHT NOW?**  
Maybe if I hike my skirt up a few more feet, he'll look this way!

**Would you take a bullet for anyone?**  
Well, uh…no…? See, if I'm dead, who gets Mr. Todd?

**Last time you went to the movies, did you go with the opposite sex?**  
I went to see that creepy Italian guy sing higher than most dogs can hear, and Mr. Todd came with me…

**What kind of house do you want?**  
One by the sea, with every room a different shade of pink, and Tiffany lamps, and a gigantic bust of my bust…and…a LA-Z-Boy recliner. Yeahhh.

**What do you want to be when you grow up?**  
I used to want to be a ballerina-slash-jazz dancer. But now I just make pies.

**Last person to call you?**  
Call me what? Mr. Todd just called me freakish a second ago, which I interpreted to mean 'sexy'.

**Are you good friends with this person?**  
We're such good friends! He'd never throw me into an oven or anything, seeing how he's my future husband and all.

**When was the last time you fell or ran into something?**  
I tripped over this dead body in the bakehouse about an hour ago—but I mean, how can you blame me? These skirts are insane. I'm lucky if I can see in front of me most days.

**What was the last thing you drank?**  
Same thing we all drink—good old-fashioned gin and tequila!

**Who do you miss?**  
I miss my Albert. He sure could eat. That's how we used to pay the rent, you know…with the money he won from pie-eating contests.

**What's your idea of a good day?  
**The kind where I can sit on a picnic blanket and fantasize about Mr. Todd in a spandex striped swimsuit.

**What kind of music are you into?**  
I get the biggest kick out of hearing myself sing 'By the Sea'. Oh, and when Mr. Todd sings 'Pretty Women'. If you read between the lines in the lyrics…he wants me bad.

**How many times have you eaten sushi?**  
I don't eat raw _fish_, what kind of person do you think I am?

**What do you want to do right now?**  
I'll give you a hint. It involves Mr. Todd, slow 80's pop music, and some very durable rope.

**Are you listening to music right now? If yes, what?**  
No, but the sound of bodies dropping is kind of rhythmic.

**Height?**  
In these boots? I'm like the Jolly Gray Giant!

**Hair?**  
Reddish brownish reddish brown. No blonde. I checked.

**Tattoos?**  
Not yet, but I really like the idea of having Mr. Todd's name in Chinese on my ankle. I hear it's all the rage these days.

**What are you wearing?**  
My usual black dress that takes up an entire doorway.

**What taste is in your mouth?**  
London air. Ah! I need some mouthwash.

**Small or big purses?**  
Small. I like to keep them in my cleavage, if at all possible.

**Do you think you're conceited?**  
Nah. If my self-esteem got any lower, I think I'd be dead.

**Did you dress up on Halloween?**  
In Victorian London, every day is Halloween.

**Where is the weirdest place you have slept?**  
At the dock, back when I used to think Mr. Todd was gonna come back from Australia early. I waited with that muffin basket for weeks.

**Do you call anybody by their last name?  
**I call him Mr. T…

**Do you wear makeup?**  
How else do you think I work this half-dead look? I'll tell you what, Mary Kay products sure are amazing.

**Eyeliner or Mascara?  
**Gotta have both or it only looks half-done.

**  
Straight or curly hair?**  
I think curly hair's more alluring, hence the reason I keep mine in full view.

**Do you prefer light or dark haired guys?**  
Dark. With a random white streak up one side.

**Have you ever thought of having plastic surgery?**  
Are you kidding? I have all I need right here in this corset.

**Do you like your life?**  
Uh, it's kind of morbid, actually. But I get by.

**Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?**

Every night, dude.

**Have you ever not been able to get someone off of your mind?**

Ohhh, yeah. To the point that I sing to him behind his back and imagine our wedding.


	3. Judge Turpin

How was your weekend

**Part III: Turpin **

**How was your weekend?**  
Not bad. I got a few people convicted, supervised a couple hangings…and got one of those pies. Mm.

**The last person you fought with?**  
Oh, hm. Johanna, I suppose. We seemed to come to a slight disagreement about the wedding plans.

**What were you doing last night at 10 PM?**  
10 PM's Peephole Hour. That's when she puts on her curlers and nightgown.

**Name some things that are on your mind right now?**  
God, I love that nightgown.

**How many people did you kiss yesterday?  
**I'm assuming drawings don't count…

**When was the last time you sang out loud?**  
I don't get many solos, but I sang a little while with Beadle Bamford outside.

**What do you really want right now?**  
Look, man. You don't live with a hot blonde _goddess_ that you raised and get asked what you want. It's just not how it is.

**When was the last time you got yelled at?**  
Does "How repulsive! I'd never marry someone so vile! Get out of my room!" count?

**Where do you see yourself in 6 years?**  
I'm as old as the Tower of London as it is, why do I need to add six years?

**Do you swear a lot?**  
Like hell I do! I'm the law, damnit!

**Who was the last person you shared a bed with?**  
Ugh. Beadle Bamford said his wife locked him out so he stayed the night.

You know what the worst part is? _He's not married._

**Do you ever snort when you laugh?**  
I don't laugh, it takes away from the sinister aura I put off.

**Did you miss someone today?  
**Can't say I did, I've got all I need right here.

**Where do you want to go?**  
Through that peephole, if you get my drift.

**What's a happy time you've had in the past week?**  
Did—did you not get that bit I put up there about the nightgown? Can you not fathom how embarrassingly hot it is? Talk about "happy" times, man, that's all you need!

**Are you an emotional person?**  
Only when I write my weekly nature poems to get all my feelings out.

**What's something that can always make you feel better?**  
My raunchy books. They always make me realize that there's probably a million hot babes out there who'd want to act them out with me.

**What are you looking forward to in the future?**  
My future wife. (wink wink)

**Who did you last shoot a dirty look at?**  
That barber, he just rubs me all the wrong ways. It's like he's someone I knew in a past life. Someone I sent far away on false charges who's here to exact revenge.  
Nah…that's just silly. I bet he's jealous of my style.

**What kind of dog do you have?**  
I don't need a dog, I've got Bamford.

**What is the last drink you drank?**  
Some well-needed vodka.

**Last time you were sick?**  
Never let your Beadle cook you jambalaya.

**What's something fun you did today?**  
I got to pull the lever for the hanging. I was about as giddy as a schoolgirl.

**Do you have any tan lines?**  
Two words, man. Victorian London. None of us could get any sun if we wanted to anyway, the sky's always the same shade of gray no matter what time it is.

**Do you remember the name of your kindergarten teacher?**  
I never took kindergarten, only tap dance.

**When you're at the grocery store do you use the self checkout?**  
Uh, sure. I put everything under my jacket and check myself out of there, and no one says anything, 'cause if they do I'll have them impaled for treason or some other rubbish like that.

**Has anyone ever given you roses?**  
Last time _that_ happened was at my tap recital…dear old Mother. She'd be so proud of her little Turpin for getting his own solos.

**If you were abandoned in the wilderness, would you survive?**  
_I'm _the one who sends people to the wilderness.

**Do you want to see someone this very minute?**  
Well, not just this second, it's only 9.

**When was the last time you have been to Texas?**  
Texas? Do I look like a cowboy to you? Would you like to see me in leather chaps and boots?

**What was the last thing you ate?**  
A meat pie. Good stuff, probably like 4000 calories though.

**When was the last time you really cried your heart out?**  
Remember our little talk about being sinister? Yeah.

**Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?**  
Okay, fine. I admit it. When Beadle Bamford slept over I was so repulsed I couldn't hold it back.

**Are you normally a happy person?**  
Happily disturbing.

**How many months are there until your birthday?**  
I don't keep track. After awhile, birthdays just seem to get old.

**Have you gotten gum stuck in your hair?**  
It took a whole jar of Vaseline to get it out, too.

**Is your handwriting large, tiny, normal, or pretty?**  
I have large, imposing handwriting, and you'd better think it's pretty!

**Do you own any kind of yellow clothing?**  
I don't think anyone here owns anything that isn't in some shade of black.

**How tall are you?**  
Like 5'11. Watch out, I'll hang you off myself.

**Any siblings?**  
We don't talk about them.

**Tell me a story about a scar you have?**  
Oh, it's nothing really. I got this huge paper cut from flipping through my erotic books so fast. Guess it was deeper than I thought, huh? (wink)

**Are you single?**  
Well, I'm not on the market. Sorry, ladies, I'm reserved. But feel free to come around after-hours. You never know.

**Name someone that made you laugh today?  
**The whole jury. It cracks me up when they don't argue with me at all.

**How late did you stay up last night and why?**  
Like 12. Johanna was doing some before-bed yoga and I felt it was my duty to supervise. You know, in case she pulled a muscle or something.

**If you could move somewhere else, would you?**  
Well, now that you mentioned that Texas thing…

**What bed did you sleep in last night?**  
Who else's? Her door was locked, so that was out of the question…

**Do you think relationships are ever worth it?**  
Oh, yeah. Especially if she's got a daughter. Two-for-one, baby!

**Do you think you're wasting your time on the person you like?  
**She'll come around. And when that happens—don't come a-knockin', if you get my veiled sexual meaning.

**Last time you spent the day at someone's house?  
**I spend my day at the _court_-house, usually.

**When was the last time you were extremely disappointed?**  
Well, I'm not going to lie, I'd kinda hoped Johanna would've reacted better to my proposal. You know. Is it too much to ask for a little excitement?

**What items could you not go without during the day?**  
My talcum powder, my Herbal Essence, the curling iron, and my peephole. Oh, and if there's no Quaker oatmeal in the pantry, I'm automatically in a worse mood.

**How many times have you been pulled over by the police?**  
Honey, I _own_ the police.

**I like these. ****Ü**** Now, two orders of business.**

1. I'm starting to run out of surveys, because everyone on Myspace posts the same ones. And I like having every character not answer the same questions. So if you have any good ones, feel free to send 'em my way. Thanks!  


**2. Which character are we having take their survey next?**

-Katie 


	4. Anthony Hope

How did you and your number 2 become friends

**Part IV: Anthony Hope **

**Do you know anyone that is currently locked up?**  
Johanna's always locked in that room of hers! I kind of wonder where she keeps getting all the embroidery sets. And…how does she go to the bathroom?

**What do you think about the current gas prices?**  
We use coal, silly! That's what school-age miners are for.

**Do you think that you're a good person?**  
I'm the sexy male hero of the story!

**Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurt?**  
I love Johanna so much, even though I've only known her like two days…and yeah, it hurt a lot, especially when the Beadle shoved that cane in my eye.

**Last time you ate a homegrown tomato?**  
When we sailed to the States, and I went to the Sprouts Whole Foods market in Florida, and the guy was giving out free samples.

**Do you believe in love at first sight?**  
If I didn't, I wouldn't be obsessed with someone I saw sitting in a window.

**Have you lost any friends lately?**  
This one friend I made on the boat got eaten by a Kraken. Which is odd…Johnny Depp wasn't on our ship…

**Do you hate the last boy you were talking to?**  
What, Mr. Todd? No way! We're total man buddies. We go lift weights together at the gym and drink wheat grass smoothies. He'd never dream of hating _me_!

**Whose bed did you sleep in 2 nights ago?**  
In my bunk on the ship, where our motto is, "your bed is everyone's bed".

**Do you miss anyone?**  
Yeah, maybe I should make up a song about her.

**Who?**  
I'll steaaaal you, Johanna!

**Do you like winter time?**  
Well, living here, it's not really like I've got a choice. You know it's always snowing? Or raining. And either way you're as cold as if you were naked in Iceland in December. I know. I've been there.

**What are you excited about?**  
Totally going to see Mr. Todd! Maybe if I spontaneously barge in I'll catch him in his underwear!

**Do you like to cuddle?**  
I was scared off that on the ship, to be honest…

**Where is your number one person on your friends list?  
**It just so happens I do keep a list of my friends in my jacket pocket. And number one is Mr. Todd, because he taught me to swear in Australian.

**What's your hair look like today?  
**Same as usual…casually tousled, like I just rolled out of bed. When I shake my head outside Johanna's window, it's all _I_ can do not to swoon at my own perfection.

**Suppose you see your crush kissing another person?**  
But aren't I the only single male around here between the ages of 17 and 90?

**Something interesting happen lately?  
**Have you been _reading_ any of this?

**Would you be able to date someone who had a kid with someone else?  
**Isn't that illegal in this era, not to mention totally taboo?

**Do you consider yourself to be naïve?  
**Naïve? No way! I'm totally on my guard, just look at who I'm friends with.

**Ever had a near death experience?  
**Sailing the Bermuda Triangle in the middle of monsoon season. And if that doesn't count as near-death, let me include the fact that we had to take group showers on the ship. FYI…don't pick up the soap.

**Have you ever snuck out of your house?  
**That does explain how someone my age would have gotten on a ship and seen the entire world including the Dominican Republic, doesn't it?

**What's your favorite thing to have on your bed?  
**I can't sleep unless I have the custom-made quilt I got in Czechoslovakia. **  
**  
**Do you tend to make relationships complicated?**  
I try not to, but somehow I always end up getting someone sent to some asylum, and then death threats get involved, and lawsuits out the wazoo…it's crazy.

**Have you been asked out in the past week?**  
As in asked…to leave? No, actually, I wasn't asked, just kind of thrown out on my sexy British tush and beat repeatedly with a cane.

**Tattoos?**  
Apparently it's all the rage to have them on your ankle…

**When was the last time you did the dishes?**  
I was on kitchen duty on the ship so much, I swear I still smell like Palmolive.

**Are you good at giving directions?  
**Like as in giving orders? Uh, no. I pull everything right out of the air and expect it to work. It usually doesn't. Can't imagine why.

**Three feelings at the moment?**  
Optimistic  
Excited  
Happy  
Overeager  
Oh wait, that's four. I guess the overeager bit was true.

**Where was the last place you went besides where you are?**  
I ran to the pie shop, and then got scared and left, but then I forgot which hotel I was at.  
**  
Ever had a drunken night in Mexico?**  
When I said I'd sailed the world and experienced its wonders, I did mean _all_ its wonders…

**What's the craziest thing you've done?**  
Well, now that you mention the Mexico thing, I have a vague memory of getting up on the table in nothing but a sombrero and singing Broadway show tunes…

**What happened at 10:00 am today?**  
I was running up and down the street singing 'Johanna! Johanna!' at the top of my lungs, and someone threw a creepy pointed boot at me.

**Are you going to ask out the person you like?**  
I asked her to come out the window once and explained the joys of Mexico from where I was standing on the sidewalk, and she just looked at me funny and tossed me a key.

**Last night, did you go to sleep smiling?**  
Wouldn't you go to sleep smiling if you got that full a view of cleavage?

**Did you have a good day yesterday?**  
Yesterday was kind of brutal, actually. I've still got bruises from that stupid Beadle. Does he sharpen that cane or something?

**What was the highlight of today?**  
Getting highlights! The lady did a fabulous job. Seriously, you should see my hair now. It's all deep and caramel.

**Have you ever collapsed on the bathroom floor?**  
Funny story. On the ship I got locked in the privy during a storm…talk about your collapsing. I didn't know which way was up.  
Hah! But the joke was on the jerks who locked me in there, because I put crabs in all their underwear drawers!

**Do you keep arguing even if you know you're wrong?  
**I'm actually pretty passive, to the point that I don't argue even if I know I'm right. I just let people beat me up and then I go right back to whatever I was doing.

**Do you have a good relationship with your mother?**  
If I did, would I have left home as a teenager to get on a ship and travel the world with a bunch of ex-lumberjacks and convicts?

**When was the last time you bought something?**  
I bought the haircut and highlights earlier today, and then some really awesome boots that were on sale. You should see them. They're like David Bowie's, only _hotter_.

**So my next one is a three-way tie between Toby, Johanna, and the Beadle. Hmm. Oh well. They'll all get done eventually. C:**

**By the way, thanks to everyone who's sent me surveys and suggestions!**

**-Katie**


	5. Toby

Would you kiss the last person you kissed in front of your parents

**Part V: Toby**

**Would you kiss the last person you kissed in front of your parents?  
**I don't have parents. Thanks for reminding me.

**If/when your grandparents die/d, would/did you care?**  
I've been in an orphanage since I was born. I'm kind of past that.

**Who would you definitely not care about dying?**  
What? Well, don't tell him I said anything (cough) Mr. Todd (cough).

**Think of a secret.**

That's not a question. Is this allowed?

**Who would you hate to have find it out?**  
Mr. Todd! He can't know about my plan to steal Mrs. Lovett from him and marry her in Aruba!

**Have you ever crushed on or flirted with a teacher?**  
Hmm…well, I guess it counts, because she teaches me baking. I don't drop my spoon and ask her to pick it up for me on accident, you know. (wink)  
Oh. And, uh…Pirelli and I had sort of a male-bonding thing going. But that's totally not the same thing. At all.

**What's a favorite meal of yours that most people think is nasty?**  
Those meat pies, you know, _before_ we suddenly got good at making them…I kind of liked the bitter taste of sewer or whatever it was.

**What's the nastiest thing you've ever stepped in?**  
It's Victorian London. Don't ask me to narrow it down.

**What is the worst place you've fallen?**  
When Pirelli tossed me over the edge of his caravan once, and I fell right into a cactus. Don't ask me where we got cacti in London. I don't know either.

**Have you ever stolen someone's boyfriend or girlfriend?**  
I'm going to steal Mr. Todd's woman! That'll teach him to exclude me from the By the Sea montage!

**What was your worst comeback ever?**  
Um, when I told Mrs. Lovett about my plan to marry her and have her be the mother of all fifteen of my kids, and she was all, 'yeah, that's nice.' I was all, 'well, nothing's gonna harm you, not while I'm around!'  
Yeah. How lame was that?

**What do you think is the worst thing ever to happen in life?**  
When perfectly hot women think barbers who look like they just got electrically shocked are sexy.

**Think of the person you hate. You'd go back in time to...**  
Make it so a kangaroo _ate_ him! Brutally! I don't care if they're herbivores, I'd make it happen!

**Which one of your friends is most likely going to end up as a streetwalker?**  
Ha. Good one, considering that's me. (rolls eyes)

**Which one of your friends would you kiss?**  
If you haven't figured it out, you're dumber than that Beadle.

**  
What's an awkward situation you've gotten yourself into before?**  
I'm not going to lie. Standing on that platform advocating our wannabe Miracle Grow was probably one of the most awkward moments of my young, underprivileged life. Especially when I had to wear that blonde mop on my head.

**Is there anyone who understands your relationship status?**  
I think we all know where I stand, relationship-wise. It can only be one-sided for so long, you watch.

**Is there something you always wear?**  
I never change my clothes…I mean, not because I'm weird or anything, I just don't have any more.

**What's most stressing right now?**  
My travel agent is stressing me out. If I'm going to Aruba, I need to do it fast, I don't care if it's 'off season'.

**What are you going to do after this?**  
Probably go ask Mrs. Lovett for some money for candy, 'cause she always keeps that purse down her shirt.

**How's the weather today?**  
Cloudy, dark, depressing, morbid…take your pick.

**What's planned for summer?**  
No one knows when it's summer here, because the weather never changes! But supposedly we're supposed to go to some beach and wear really weird swimsuits.

**What time is it?**  
We have a huge freaking clock in the middle of town. Why are you asking me?

**What's a fact about the last person who talked to you?**  
She's the number-one hottest woman in the entire universe.  
**  
Do you ever turn your cell phone off?**  
Cell what?

**What's your favorite Gatorade flavor?**  
Oh, I can't get enough of the lemon-lime one. Citrus is totally my bag.

**What's your favorite thing in your room?**  
I sleep under the dining room table…but I guess the flooring is really well done.

**Who is the last person you had a conversation with?**  
Ugh. Mr. Todd, giving me this lecture about how one day I was going to have to help him with the business. I wonder if it means I'll have to stick my finger in an electric socket to get my hair like his.

**What bothered you the most today?**  
It really bothers me when the Beadle comes in for lunch. I don't know why, but I always have this strange urge to hand him some cheese…

**Are you wearing anything you borrowed from someone?**  
I stole these shoes from some kid who was sleeping once.

**What was the last show you watched and with who?**  
Gilligan's Island reruns were on all day, and I got Mrs. Lovett to make popcorn and watch it with me. I kept hinting that she should dress like some of these girls more often.

**Where were you on July 4****th****?**  
In that caravan with Pirelli, helping him alter his red, white and blue Speedo. (shudder)

**Do you trust people easily?**  
As long as they're not wearing skintight spandex and forcing me to sleep in the same room with them.  
**  
Describe your mood:**  
I want some bread dough.

**What type of shirt are you wearing?**  
It's not brand-name, so don't bother.

**Most recent movie you have watched?**  
I saw this movie about a mass murderer with knives who had this accomplice who loved to bake pies. I don't remember the title though.  
**  
What kind of phone do you have?  
**You're not making any sense.

**Do you like the color green?**  
I like green! But it really depends. I'm not too fond of pastel green, but that forest-colored one? To _die_ for. Hang on, I could go find the swatches if you want.

**Exciting weekend?**  
Yeah, I'll say! It's not every day I get plucked out of forced labor, you know.

**What color socks are you wearing?**  
I'm not sure what their original color was, but they're black now. I decorated the edges with pompoms to make them look less weird.

**What do you spend most of your money on?**  
Candy! And gin! Because this is an era before alcohol licenses become required.

**Who is your favorite American idol winner?**  
I hate that show. I could do way better.

**Do you not like yourself?**  
Even though this whole setting advocates low self-esteem, I say…love yourself! Cause chances are, no one else does!

**What's the last place you went?  
**The bakehouse.

**Are you wearing a shirt?**  
In this weather, you'd be crazy not to.

**What were you doing at midnight last night?**  
Not voodoo!  
**  
Are you left handed?**  
I don't really write, so I dunno. Illiteracy makes it so I never had to learn.

**When is your birthday?**  
No one would tell me. The lady at the orphanage just kept saying I was spawned, whatever that means.

**When is the last time you showered?**  
Like any of us _bathe_ here, come on.  
**  
Do you know anyone with a lisp?**  
Pirelli's metro half-brother used to talk with a lisp, if I recall correctly. I guess the whole spandex thing runs in the family.

**Do you prefer warm or cold weather?**  
It's not like I've ever really had anything besides cold…I mean, we consider anything above zero hot. So…yeah.

**Okay, I think Johanna's next. C: **


	6. Johanna Barker

1) If you got married to the last person you kissed what would your new last name be

**Part VI: Johanna Barker **

**If you got married to the last person you kissed what would your new last name be?**  
I haven't kissed anyone, so I'll just go with Anthony. Hope, right? Johanna Hope. Has kind of a nice ring to it. At least his last name isn't 'Dance' or something. Imagine having to say _that_ out loud for the rest of your life.

**What did you do this afternoon?**  
Embroidered flowers onto a sheet in about seventy-four different colors of thread. If I have to do one more French knot I'm going to kill something.

**When do you plan on having kids?**  
Assuming I ever get out of this house, which would put me near the beginning of menopause…

**Can you take a bra off with one hand?**  
Honey, when you've had this much extra time on your hands your whole life, you learn how to take off the entire _corset_ with one hand.

**Can you use chopsticks?**  
I wish. If I could, I'd be picking my lock with them right now instead of wasting life on this survey.

**How old were you when you lost your first tooth?**  
I was like seven. I pulled it out myself with the thread I was supposed to be crocheting Turpin an afghan with.

**When was the last time you got flowers?**  
The judge dropped off some tulips for me…ugh. He ain't getting either of _my_ two-lips, if that's what he's thinking.

**Who was the last person you laid in bed with?**  
Unless he snuck in here again, which I wouldn't put past him…just me.

**Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?**  
What? I've been secluded from anything male for fifteen years!

**Why did you throw up last?**  
The judge came prancing in here with some weird idea in his head about us getting married. That part was bad enough, but when he started singing 'Rock the Casbah', that's when I lost it.

**Last time you were happy?**  
That'd be last week when Turpin and the Beadle both got food poisoning from that jambalaya.

**Ever been to the Statue of Liberty?**  
No. Ironically enough, it represents the one thing in life I'm lacking. (sigh) Wow, I've gotten morbid lately.

**When was the last time you cried and why?**  
Well, wouldn't you cry if some jerk as old as dirt decided you were going to be his woman?

**How many e-mail addresses do you have?**  
One: .

It's true, sadly. I spend so much time on my hair, I guess I bring it upon myself.

**If your face was as ugly as a clown would you hide in your room everyday and never come out?**  
Um, for one: I already stay in my room and never come out. And two: let's be realistic, people. I'm so gorgeous strangers make up songs about me. Which…admittedly is a little unnerving.

**Last time you washed your hair?**  
Turpin let me take my biweekly sponge bath yesterday, so…

**Where will you be sleeping tonight?**  
Where I always sleep…under my bed. Hah. Turpin thinks he's got me fooled with that peephole, but guess what? He doesn't.

**Do you like Oreos?  
**I prefer not to eat stuff like that, considering how little exercise I get already.

**Do you send out Thank-You cards?**  
To who?

**Can you ice skate?**  
As in do I have the physical capability? Sure. But could I go ice skate? Um. Locked door, locked window. Nope.

**Do you have a brother?**  
I wouldn't be surprised if I did!

**Do you know how to change a diaper?**  
Yeah, I had to do my own, cause no one else knew how when I was one and a half and my mom mysteriously disappeared.

**Do you flip people off while driving?**  
_You're_ driving me crazy with all these questions that insinuate that I actually get to leave my house!

**Have you ever kissed someone who smokes?**  
I haven't kissed _anyone_.

**How many people do you trust 100 and tell everything to?**  
2.

**Why do you trust these people?**  
They're actually a green finch and a linnet bird. And the only reason I trust them is because…I mean…it's not like they can repeat what I tell them, all they do is chirp.

**Do you go to church?**  
You'd think I'd be allowed to, wouldn't you?

**Do you like to grocery shop?**  
I bet it beats cross-stitching.

**Who do you miss?**  
Uh, my mom?

**Last time you cleaned?**  
I clean everything. Obsessively. It's the only way I stay busy enough to stay sane.

**Name 2 people who made you smile today?**  
Anthony, he's silly. He started talking about Mexico for some reason, so I threw him a key to make him shut up.  
And that beggar lady. She's really funny to watch, especially when she talks to poles.

**What pills do you take daily?**  
I take One-a-Day Women's, plus calcium supplements.

**What's the last sporting event you watched?**  
I watched these kids fight to the death over a penny. It was pretty epic.

**Do you do your own laundry?**  
No. The judge does. Which creeps me out, because that gives him access to my clothes. (shudder)

**If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be?**  
I have a whole list, man! Starting with outside this house, and ending in Columbia.

**Last person you talked to for over an hour?**  
That would be my birds. I gave them this monologue about etiquette to kill the silence. They looked so bored I think I might've killed _them_.

**Do you feel anything for this person?**  
I'm pretty fond of them, not gonna lie. They act kind of anemic sometimes, but they're cute. And symbolic of my pathetic life.

**Do you take out the trash?**  
I told you, I think Turpin thinks if he lets me outside, I'll run off.  
Which is true, but I mean…come on.

**Are you getting engaged any time soon?**  
Not if I've got anything to say about it! Ew! Can you imagine, seriously? This guy's old enough to have been with my _mom_.

**Have you ever felt like you were being watched?  
**Oh, you don't even know! It's like a constant thing with me!

**How many people are you talking to online?**  
My pen pal from some place called Canada. Is that even a real country?

**Which one of your friends is going to have the cutest baby?**  
I'd hazard a guess that linnet chicks are a little cuter than green finches. At any rate, they're both boys…so that's not gonna happen.

**  
Status?**  
Ready to run off and marry the first male under age 90 that comes my way.

**Who was the last person to hug you?**  
The only thing that hugs me is this corset. It's driving me up the wall.

**Who was the last person to kiss you?**  
I'm going to resist the urge to impale you with my knitting needles.

**Is there anyone you wish you could talk to?**  
I kind of miss that Anthony Hope guy. He seems a little naïve, and comes on kinda strong, but he makes up for it in being cute…and a sailor. Man. I dig sailors like some people dig musicians.

**Thanks to everyone who's been sending me questions! A lot of them are going to get used in the next couple chapters here. **

**Don't hesitate to click the review button and tell me who to do next. **

**-Katie **


	7. Beadle Bamford

What main road is closest to you

**Part VII: Beadle Bamford **

**Would you sleep with your neighbor?**  
As I like to say, I'm always glad to _oblige_ my friends and neighbors. Oh, and it helps that Turpin lives in my subdivision.

**What describes your relationship status?**  
The word 'swinger' comes to mind.

**Where are you?**  
Turpin's office, I stopped over to come pick up my jacket and ended up doing this.

**What's the last show you've seen?**  
I got to be the judge of the competition between Mr. Todd and that Pirelli fellow.

**Do you live with your parents?**  
No way, I'm completely self-sufficient. Which is why I have my own house that I'm never at.

**What is your middle name?**  
Maria Julio Ivan.

**Who have you talked to most today?**  
Well, Johanna was telling me about this Invisalign stuff, apparently it works wonders for your teeth…

**Do you carve pumpkins every year?**  
I enter the contest every Halloween! Last year my carving of Venus de Milo won second! (squeal)

**Color of your underwear?**  
Who says I was _wearing_ any?

**Color of your shirt?**  
I'm wearing like three ever since Johanna taught me how to layer, but my first one's white.

**How many years have you taken a language?**  
I speak British and English!

**Good advice if you ever go camping?**  
Make sure the zipper's on there good. And don't forget to bring marshmallows, or none of it's worth it.

**Are you a bad influence?**  
I'm a role model for Londoners everywhere!

**Do you enjoy Diet Rockstars?**  
Well, that would imply that I felt the need to watch my figure—and we all know _that's_ not the case, seeing how I look so good in my leopard underwear.

**Rather have your name or your siblings?  
**Considering my only sister's name is Hortense, I think I'll stick with my name that I still haven't told you.

**  
Would you do anything for someone else?  
**Depends on who it is…and if it's who I think it is, _anything_. Even the stuff in the very back of the Kama Sutra.

**Favorite colors?**  
Yellow! It reminds me of delicious cheese.

**Do you like cookies?**  
Oh, yeah! I eat them all the time when I'm alone.

**What song is on?**  
Some carolers are outside singing…hang on, I'll go throw the fireplace poker at them.

**Are your grades good?**  
School is for people with no money!  
**  
Do you ever think people hate you for filling this out?**  
No one can hate me for anything—I'm too loveable!

**What would you do if the person you loved moved across the world?**  
Silly, he's the one who _sends_ people across the world.

**Whose house did you visit last?**  
Well, that's a pretty redundant question.

**  
Last time you went out to lunch?  
**I went to that pie shop the other day. I don't know when they suddenly got good at baking there, but man!

**What is to the right of you?**  
A bookshelf full of erotic literature and Dr. Seuss.

**Who and what thing(s) do you hate?**  
I really wish Turpin would stop wasting his time on Johanna. Hello! Ain't gonna happen.

**  
Do you have any Britney Spears CDs?  
**I don't know what you're talking about…

**Are you a Scrubs fanatic?**  
I use a loofah when I bathe, if that's what you mean…

**Do you have a girlfriend?**

Uh, no! I can't remember a time I ever had one, because they all got so intimidated when I approached them.

**Do you read trashy romance novels often?**  
Why do you think I'm over here all the time?

**Favorite Starbucks drink?**  
What's a Starbucks? Is that that new tavern that just opened?

**Do you sing obnoxiously outside?**  
If I did, would I have all these solos? Please. I've got the voice of a non-obnoxious angel who sounds like Elvis.

**Do you ever sing obnoxiously in the shower?**  
That's when I sound the best! If you don't believe me…well, you know where my house is. (wink)

**Have you ever pretended your crush was with you?**  
What? No! Why would you think that? Don't make me convict you!

**Would you rather freeze to death or burn to death?**  
For some reason, I always thought it glamorous to die by having your throat cut open by some madman. But that'll never happen. I'll probably die of being too gorgeous or something.

**Favorite eye color on the opposite sex?**  
As long as they're looking at me, who cares?

**Are your friends clean?**  
Of the mind? Sorry, no. But his house is pretty well-kept since he got that mail-order maid.

**Give up friends for money?**  
Sorry. Can't buy me love. (huge smile)

**  
Are you ever a freak about cleanliness or organization?  
**You got the freak part right, but not really about either of those things.

**Have you ever been to South America or Africa?**  
No, but I got to help Turpin decide to deport people there.

**Do you know how to knit?**  
I learned a little from Johanna and ended up making my own hat. Then she made me leave.

**Have you ever written love song lyrics yourself?**  
Sure! Want to hear them?

**Do you swear?**  
Sometimes I think it makes me sound manly.

**When you open your closet, what is the dominant color?**  
Posters of—I mean, gray.

**Baskin Robbins or Coldstone?**  
Are those bars too? Where are they, it sounds like they've got great booze.

**Physics or chemistry?**  
Biology. (wink)

**Ever been cheated on?**  
No one would dare, for I'm the greatest catch.

**Who was the last person you yelled at?**  
Turpin, he was being stupid about trying to get with Johanna. Okay, what's it gonna take for him to realize she's not interested? Do I need to put on a blonde wig to get some attention around here?

**  
R-rated or G-rated movies?**  
Okay, look at me and tell me you don't really want to know the answer.

**Walk or run?**  
I have a distinct walk. I feel that running takes away from the elegance of my look.

**Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, or Star Wars?**  
Those are drinks, right? Hmm. Star Wars sounds like it might be interesting. What'd that be, tequila mixed with some kind of chocolate?

**Road trip or fly?**  
Road trip! Sleep in the van!

**Batman, Spiderman, or Superman?**  
Ah, more drinks. Hmm. I'd be more inclined to order a Superman.

**What is your favorite Disney movie?**  
Aladdin. It's so exotic! And I love Jasmine's outfit. I'm having one special-ordered sometime next week.

**Ever been skinny dipping?**  
Heh. That's the story of my life.

**How's your hair?**  
Newly permed, thank you.

**Bug or insects?**  
Ewwww! I faint at the sight of them!

**Would you rather eat sushi or escargot?**  
I eat everything, so I would probably do both.

**Do you ever want to get married?**  
Wishful thinking, sadly. I'm afraid of too much commitment, and besides, all the eligible ladies would be heartbroken.

**Have you ever been with someone who didn't treat you right?**  
(meaningful nod toward bedroom) He acts like I'm just some lackey who hasn't got feelings!

**Why did you take this survey?**  
Because some of this needed to be said! I needed to vent, okay?


	8. Lucy Barker

What color shirt are you wearing

**Surveys:  
Lucy.**

**What color shirt are you wearing?**  
I don't keep track. I'm going to go ahead and guess it's yellow with pink dots…but that's going out on a limb, because I sort of just grabbed it off a dead chick like three days ago.

**Are you friends with the last person you kissed?**

Huh…I don't remember what his name was…he wasn't a very good tipper though.

**Do you have reason to smile right now?**  
I'm living in the streets, and my life has come down to singing songs in a less-than-my-usual-angelic voice. Not to mention ever since I left Turpin's place, I've had no access to a curling iron. This sucks.

**Have you ever woken up next to someone and wanted to puke?**  
That's pretty much a typical day for me.

**What do you do when you need to relax?**  
I stop naïve-looking boys and ask them for pocket change!

**If you won a lot of money on the lottery, what would you buy first?**  
Who are you again?

**Would you honestly say you'd risk your life for someone else?**  
I vaguely remember doing something like that involving arsenic. I can't recall half of it. Hm.  
What were we talking about?

**Who was the last person of the opposite sex you had a conversation with?**  
Um. He was a really effeminate sailor boy. I think he figure skates or something. Anyway, I didn't catch his name, because all he knew how to say was 'Johanna'. What a strange word. I wonder if it's French.

**Who is your favorite person of the opposite sex to have a serious conversation with?**  
City on fire!

**Who was driving the last vehicle you were in?**  
I didn't think to ask his name as I was thrashing in the back seat…but the back of his shirt said 'Bedlam', so maybe that was it.

**What are you craving right now?**  
Alms! Wait, no, walnuts. Wait, wait! I changed my mind, I really want some pie.

**What is the last pill you swallowed?**  
It wasn't a pill, it came in this nifty little bottle. Talk about your acid trips…woo! Arsenic, you are a potent element!

**What did you do last night?**  
After hiding in the shadows muttering 'mischief!' under my breath, I think I went out for coffee. Hm. I should start writing these things down.

**What if you married the last person you kissed?**  
Marriage! I wonder if I'll ever get married! Wouldn't having a husband be great? I wish I had one.

**What are you excited about?**  
Where am I?

**Are you in love with a celebrity?**  
There're all these posters up of this barber, right? And he's like the town celebrity, and if I still had panties I think I'd throw them at him.

**Status of you and the person you last kissed?**  
You seem to like kissing an awful lot…

**Did you ever date the last person you kissed?**  
Witch! Witch!!

**What's your favorite thing about Sundays?**  
I used to like them because of all the sales, but now I have no money and can only remember fragments of when I wasn't living in an alley…

**When was the last time you cried? And why?**  
Fun thing about being half-sane, is that emotion doesn't hit you nearly as hard. I like to laugh a lot, though. If you knew me you'd know that.

**Would you have sex with someone you had known less than 24 hrs?**  
Whoa…brings back another acid-trippy memory…  
Don't judge me, you don't know me.  
Unless…you do…do you? Do I know you?  
**  
Is there one person who can make you feel better no matter what?**  
There's a…wait, no. Who're we talking about?

**Last person you hugged?**  
No one comes within a ten-foot radius of me. Can't imagine why, I'm perfectly amicable.

**What were you doing at 2:00 this morning?**  
Probably ironing if not attempting to scale a wall for no reason.

**When did you last get butterflies in your stomach?**  
There was no other food, so I had to eat spiders once…

**What did you do today?**  
I decided I want to learn to play the xylophone.

**What bed did you sleep in last night?**  
Newspapers, I dunno if they're still there. Hell, I don't remember which alley they're even in.

**Are you currently frustrated with a girl/guy?**  
I wish that weirdo kid would stop asking me questions about this Johanna thing. What does that even mean? Is it a person? How would I know? What am I, her mother?  
**  
Have you ever had your heart broken?**  
Logic tells me that's the reason I took arsenic…but then, logic never was very reliable. SMOG! Wheee!

**Do you smoke weed regularly?**  
I also ate weeds once…one had a daisy at the end, so I saved it for last. (affirmative nod)

**Is there anyone you would die for?**  
Why would I ever attempt something silly like that?

**Ever talked to someone that was high?**  
One time, this other guy was sleeping on the roof next to the hole I'd dug for myself…he was pretty high up.

**Last comment you said to someone?**  
I believe it was 'that pie shop owner is pure evil! Don't go see her or you'll die'.

**Are you excited for summer?**  
I don't think there's such a thing here…I mean, it's August and half the people in this town are dying of hypothermia.

**If it was free and it would work perfectly, would you get plastic surgery?**  
Wha—is that the one that shrinks my stomach? Uh, no thanks, I think I'm good, I don't get half as many calories as I should as it is.

**What is the closest thing to you that is blue?**  
One second.  
Yep, the dead body across the sidewalk is a pretty definite shade of blue.

**Does it snow where you live?**  
That's all it does, ever. One time, I thought it was raining, and then it wasn't. It was snowing.

**When is the next time you will see your grandma?**  
…have we met?

**Would you go out in public without getting dressed up or put together?**  
Huh, that's pretty much how it is. I guess looks only get you places when they're…you know, visible.

**Have you kissed or hugged someone today?**  
Spare change?

**Are you a dumb blonde?**  
I…wait! Hold on, does yellow hair mean blonde?  
Hey, it does! Where do you get off saying I'm dumb? I never did anything stupid…taking poison when your husband gets deported, now _that's_ stupid.

**Do people underestimate your intelligence?**  
Don't you start acting like you didn't just ask if I was a dumb blonde! Come here, I'll introduce you to my pocket knife! Rawr!

**Will you be married in the next two years?**  
Marriage? I like that idea! I wish I was married.

**Would you rather have love or money?**  
Are you saying you have money? Because I don't like you, so I'll take that.

**Have you ever sat on a roof top?**  
Yeah, I tried sleeping up there once to see if it was really all that. It was great until I faceplanted into the snow when I rolled over in a crazy, dream-induced fit.

**How about loved someone then realized you hated them?**  
What…wait, what? Do I love someone I hate?  
Witch!

**Have you ever wanted someone you thought that you couldn't have?**  
I don't think that barber would ever look twice at me, even though I feel like I knew him in another life or something. But I can't tell him that, that'd just sound creepy.

**What are your plans for today?**  
Let's get some shoes!

**Are you in a relationship, single, complicated, married, or engaged?**  
Marriage? I wish I was married! Maybe I'll get married sometime! And I'll have twelve kids and name them all Jenny. Unless they're girls, in which case I won't name them Jenny.

**How have you felt today?**  
I need some new hair ties.  
Who are you again?

**Who was the last person you laid in a bed with?**  
It's a BEE! AH!  
_Die, bee!_

**Have you ever cried and not known what for?**  
(sobs, laughs and hiccups all at once)  
I dunno what you're talking about! Go away!  
**  
Do you like your name?**  
I don't know my name! If I did, though, it'd be Helena!

**Are you happy at the moment?**  
Do you happen to have any spare change? I'll sing an Alms song if it'll make you say yes.

**What were you doing at 10:00pm last night?**  
Pretty much the same thing I'm doing right now.

**Last person who drove you somewhere (besides your parents)?**  
Bedlam! What a nice name!

**Are you a forgiving person?**  
Don't make me beat you with this stick.  
**  
Do you know if anyone likes you?**  
(long, exaggerated stare)  
(blinks one eye at a time)  
Who?

**Have you ever been kissed in a closet?**  
I got locked in a closet once, and my arms were tied behind my back…the walls were all kinds of squishy.

**Do you live alone?**  
Huhhh. Sometimes I see mice hanging out near where I'm sleeping, so no.

**Do you have a friend of the opposite sex that you can talk to?**  
(hiccup)  
Did you know it's snowing?

**What's the connection between you and the last person that called you?**  
Called me what? You don't make any sense. And that's saying something, because I don't think _anything_ makes sense.

**Are you loved?**  
I wish I was loved, by a hot stud of a man who got me free shampoo and all that…that'd be really nice. And we could be all, sickeningly perfect and make all the neighbors who hadn't gotten any in ten years jealous.

**Are you crazy?**  
(falls over)  
I dunno what you mean by _crazy_ (hic). I'm just a tad…

…eccentric! That's what I want!  
CITY ON FIRE! MISCHIEF!

**Who was the last person to call you babe?**  
Is that my name? What kind of name _is _that? I wish I knew who my parents were so I could kill them for naming me something like _Babe_.  
Hm. (random screech)

**How has this past week been for you?**  
I don't remember much past Tuesday…

**Last thing you drank?**  
I found some left-over tequila in a garbage can! It was happy hour for Babe!

**Are you happy with your life?**  
It sucks, to be quite frankly perfect honestly truthful.  
(huge smile)

**Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?**  
Actions and their opposite reactions…! I suddenly get Quantum Chemistry!

**Do you currently have a hickey?**  
No, I don't have any change. Do you?  
**  
What are your initials?**  
ABCDQZECR12364HP…  
Ahahaha! This is fun! I wonder if it'll spell anything when I hit the keys with my head…  
;ERJKOAN;NJGKBN…  
AHHH! This is the best day I've ever had!

**Could you ever forgive a cheater?**  
I'm not the one who handles forgiveness issues, I think you're supposed to take that up with Judge Something-or-other…

**Any last thoughts?**  
Mischief! Mischief! Wait! I just realized something epic!  
That smoke in the chimney in the pie shop is evil! And I'm not just saying that because I'm insanely jealous of the owner and her massive cleavage! Come on, you could lose something in there!

…(wanders off)

I'm running out of characters. How depressing. (


End file.
